Problem: "I don’t know if my course is suited to me."

Solution: It’s not. If your reasons for selecting your course were because of the impressive name (Double Degree - Bachelor of Applied Crane Operating: Electronics and impound lot management or Bachelor of Engineering: Obtaining a reflective MET worker jacket are great examples), maybe you should forget thinking about yourself and start dreaming of having such a meaty certificate on your wall at the end of your course.

Problem: "Will I ever know where to go?"

Solution: No. Find a lecture hall and look like you belong.

Problem: "I don’t know why I failed this subject."

Solution: From our extensive studies, we actually proved that the chances of passing a subject decrease in direct proportion to the number of classes you’ve attended. Most likely you didn’t attend any. Next time find the correct room (see above).

Problem: "Everything’s blurry, my friends are laughing at me, and the lecturer is staring at me."

Solution: You’re still drunk from last night. Rather than sobering up and facing the embarrassment of explaining to the class, find another drink.

Problem: "Why aren’t there any girls in my engineering course?"

Solution: They know engineering students are attending university to pick up. Try a psychology course or drink more.

Problem: "Why can’t I read this student newspaper?"

Solution: There’s nothing wrong with you, in fact, we found 100% of students can’t read the publications from their university. A common trick of most student newspapers is to string together important buzzwords into barely legible sentences. Steve Bracks post-modernisation unjustifiable rationalisation political slogan unionism feministic subpoena. You think about that.

Problem: "Why am I lying in a gutter?"

Solution: You spent all your money on pizza and rent. The taxi driver found out you had no money and kicked you out before you got home. Find a particularly warm, cosy part of the gutter and wait until morning.

Problem: "Do I really have another 5 years of this drudgery?"

Solution: Yes. Get over it.

Problem: "I attended all my lectures, but still found I failed miserably in all subjects."

Solution: This is a common case, and is usually a symptom of being a loser. The second most common problem is that none of your lecturers have spoken English for more than 2 months. Although you attend lectures, you don’t actually understand what your lecturer says, let alone the concept he/she is attempting to share in ancient Hebrew. Find a translating service or select a new course.