Amphigory! uncovers the myths of over-hyped self improvement strategies.

FAKE TAN

No doubt about it, a little bit of bronze on the old arms can give a healthy outdoor look, but steer clear of any instant tan formulas. In fact, don’t even get a real tan. The knockout babe across the street may appear to be checking out your assets but in actual fact the only thing being checked out is the nearest exit. Missed.

GLASSES

A long time ago it was rumoured that glasses were a sign of thoughtfulness, of class and of all round perfect vision. But glasses and their tinted cousins, sunglasses, can be hazardous in certain situations and if used improperly the can inadvertently be flushed out of your possession, or could cause severe damage to the optic nerve and the reputation. No way.

SMART REMARKS

So you could make your old maths teacher laugh. So you were a brilliant figurehead in drama. Well, let me tell you something. A quick wit is often a very misshapen wit and you are going to have to smarten up your act before you go offending every Joe and Judy you meet with your inane chatter and bad jokes. If they’ve heard it twice, they’ve heard it a million times. Give it a rest.

TOENAILS

Who ever thought that a person with ten brilliantly decorated technicolour toenails would be noticed on the fashion beat that is your local main street. Some turkey would have. The truth is, the ancient art of toenail painting is now only appreciated by partygoers three times your age. Toxic waste of money.

AMBITIONS

Why tell everyone you’re going to be a somebody when you are going to turn up at their door five years later with half a carton of eggs and an old rug as your only remaining belongings? Try being honest with yourself and those around you; a little realistic thinking will put you in the right frame of mind and straighten your path to the future. Get real.

TATTOOS

I hate to burst your bubble, but this little skerrick of possibly infected injected ink is going to cause you many heartaches further down the track when you decide to change your name, your football team or your favourite soft drink. Avoid the pain and humiliation.

WEBSITE

When’s the last time you got mail from that lovely down to earth person half way across the world and were horrified to discover how many arms and legs that person actually had. If you are like many, the answer will be yesterday. Don’t try and sell yourself on the internet, there’s too many people wanting something for nothing and you’ll be stuck right in the middle of a sticky situation. Log off.

There you go! I hope we steered you clearly of some potentially socially dangerous situations, making your life happier. One day, Amphigory will be serving the world with its own unique brand of laid back contemporary helpful advice.