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You Know You're a Nerd When...

By Aaron Boyd and Thomas Rutter

you believe that if you play as the ‘Elf’ in Dungeons ‘n’ Dragons enough, you may eventually turn into one
your only sex education was when ‘Rover had to go to the vet’
instead of having pet rocks, you paint faces on computer disks and line them up on the window sill
every morning you try and levitate out of bed using the ‘Force’
your favourite insult is ‘you phoney goddamn rubberneck’
you think that Ariel from ‘The Little Mermaid’ is a babe
you haven’t bought any new school trousers since year 7
you’re always given Mr. Peabody in ‘celebrity heads’
you fantasise about meeting ET and asking how he did the thing with the bikes
you have hundreds of notebooks dedicated to your ideas for Snoopy multimedia computer games
you bear an uncanny resemblance to Penfold from ‘Danger Mouse’
all your underpants have your name printed on them in bold black texta
your pencil box from year 7 woodwork is still in use, and has no pen marks on it
you can multiply any two 13 digit numbers faster than your pocket calculator can. Which calculator? A TI-83 GC! GET THE CALC.TM
your mother names your lunch bag every morning
you think people respect your DOS skills
your goldfish is named ‘Spock’.
you can no longer be seen by society without a calculator in your shirt pocket. Not just any calculator, a TI-83 GC! GET THE CALC.TM
you have the full collection of Snoopy POGs
you recently had a nutrient drip installed on your PC so that you can be fed without leaving the computer
you think that as long as you wear your socks up to your knees people can’t mock you about shaving your legs
you think a girl is coming on to you when she asks you the answers to yesterdays homework
you change the TV channel from Basic Instinct to Word Series Scrabble
you accidentally call your father ‘Kirk’
you ring up the teachers on the weekend to ask what you’ll be doing on Monday
reading this is a degrading experience
you’re proud to say that you have every issue of ‘Nintendo’ magazine
you and your pals get together and talk about the ‘passes’ that chicks have made to you on the Internet
you think All-Bran and walking from your bed to the computer will keep you healthy
you brag to your friends about your top scores in Tetris
you spend Saturday nights going through back issues of National Geographic with your Internet ‘girlfriend’
you brush your teeth at school.
you laughed at a joke about finding a coefficient.
you sometimes resort to Tetris on the GC, just to "get away from it all".
you are less than 5'4" tall.
you keep a pet rock.
among other items on your christmas tree, one was a floppy disk.
you say words like "procrastination".
you start to get "benefits" at the tuckshop.
your pocket pager is set to vibrate during class time, so as not to disrupt the learning process.
your ultimate goal in life is to hack into NASA
you think silicon implants are computer upgrades
the only image ‘14DD’ makes in your mind is of the batteries that go in your Power Rangers figurine
you still don’t understand that last one even though all the girls in the class have repeatedly explained it to you.

Aaron Boyd and Thomas Rutter are two of the original editors of The Mostly Amphigory.