This simple guide will help you decide exactly what to do once you have that precious bit of cardboard paper that says something about being a bachelor or a doctor or master, or something like that. All you have to do is read the title on your certificate and match it up in the following list!

BACHELOR OF ARTS

Wow, you did make a mistake in the course preference form! Oh well, you’ve done your three years of time and now you are fully qualified for that vacant position at the drive-thru window of your local fast food outlet. Alternatively, if you actually learnt something during your 3 year hangover, you might want to think about becoming a lecturer for the Faculty of Arts so that you can introduce people of the next generation to the world of opportunity that is employment in fast food outlets.

BACHELOR OF SCIENCE

Are you sure you really passed? I find that hard to believe. With college pass rates the way they are at the moment, the world will be rid of scientists in 4.337 years. However, if you aren’t kidding and really do have a degree in the field of science, you better get you butt back to uni and get yourself some more pieces of cardboard paper. Yes, I'm sorry but that's just the way it is. Prospects for science graduates consist of postgraduate degrees, supervisor positions at your local fast food outlet, becoming one of those ugly lab assistants with ultra-thick glasses, or calling yourself a ‘Theoretical Physicist’ and coming up with models of the universe that involve strings and worms.

BACHELOR OF MEDICINE

Well der... Become a doctor of course, and let the cash roll in. If you need to read this guide to work out a future occupation, you obviously stole your certificate from some poor nerd that got 99.95 and whilst he can quote the scientific name of every single bone in the human body he couldn’t use a medical tool to save his own life.

BACHELOR OF ENGINEERING IN AEROSPACE ENGINEERING / BACHELOR OF BUSINESS IN BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION

Congratulations, you’ve picked the only worthwhile tertiary course available. Who cares if you can get a job or not, that title just makes you sound so important.

BACHELOR OF LAW

You slimy, greedy, corrupt little man/woman. Shame on you. As far as jobs go (that is if you can live with yourself knowing full well that you are and will always be a criminal.... I mean a lawyer) you should consider becoming an expert sueologist. This sort of work would involve cases like prosecuting the Antarctic Government for failing to provide a comfortable climate, or taking the university to court for losses in gambling revenue that could have been obtained via the pokies had you not been at uni for five years.

BACHELOR OF COMMERCE

What can I say? You’re in for a long boring career as an Accountant. Unless taxes and financial evaluations turn you on, the only reason you’ll have to get up in the morning will be the fact that there’s office parties on twice a day. These office parties are necessary to combat the dangerously high amounts of boredom, up to 22000 kN on some occassions, and hence prevent the company’s staff from mass suiciding (such as the great accountant strike of ’82).

DOCTOR OF PHILOSPHY

This sort of degree is good so that you can say “Trust me, I’m a doctor” to chicks. Other than that, you’ve wasted a lot of education fees and what have you got to show for it? The meaning of life? I think not. However, with this much education up your sleeve you might be in line for a senior position at the local fast food outlet.

MASTER OF COMPUTER SCIENCE

What a nerd! It’s bad enough wanting to sit at a computer and type in jargon for the three years of a bachelor degree, but to finish your course and think to yourself “Hmmm - I know what I wanna do - go back to the computing lab in building 10 and spend another couple of years sitting at a computer” is just sad. Career opportunities will consist mostly of signing up with the Royal Computer Army and fighting in the front lines of the nerdy war against the millennium bug.

BACHELOR OF ARTS AND SCIENCES

Gee, you’ve really narrowed down your career path. Most likely, the last five years have been just like going to secondary school all over again. Theoretically, with a general degree like this you’ll be able to get any job you want. Unfortunately, the real world despises these ‘go nowhere’ degrees and won’t employ you until you go back to uni for the rest of your life and get some more pretty certificates. However, this degree is accredited by the international board of fast food outlets.

DIPLOMA OF GARBOLOGY

Yes, we’ve all seen the title of Garbologist in the Jobs Guide, and we all had a good laugh. But some people actually pursue this career. Without these dedicated experts working in the field of garbology, our trash would just sit around and become homes for the homeless. If you’re one of these particular graduates, go forth and get in a garbage truck, and join Captain planet in the fight against pollution.