Tonight’s TØP viewing:

6:30 Daria in: King of the Simpsons, Professional South Park

In an attempt to scam viewers with catch words from the new craze of ‘adult’ cartoons, we bring you the finest prime time comedy from Afghanistan’s famed* Ahmed Studios. With celebrities† such as: Kouldna Landme’areeljub and Wrere’iz Mabebessta, it’s sure to be a fun filled hour!

7:30 The Best and Worst of Australia’s Funniest Who Dares Commercials Caught on Video

We combine all the best elements of those trashy family prime time shows that the other commercial networks bombard us with over Summer. You’ll vomit with laughter as you see even more little kids getting seriously injured as part of our "Funniest Home Video" segment. You’ll cry with suspense as we dare somebody thousands of dollars to do something with absolutely no risk because they’re harnessed and supported by our trained safety team. That’s right viewers - no risk! Our A-grade list of washed-up Aussie actors hosts this terrific family hour. Not to be missed.

8:30 Today A Current 60 Minute Affair

Channel Ø goes downtown to bring you real-life stories and tragedy from the hard-hitting ghettos of inner-city Melbourne. See even more bored housewives make a quick buck by selling their tales of the struggling Aussie battler to commercial current affairs programs. See union workers tired of working 3 hours a day go on strike for fairer working conditions. Now with even more paid political interviews where our host is told what to say. That’s right folks, genuine TV drama at its best!

8:59 Øz Lotto Draw #8432

9:00 PREMIERE: We All Still Want To Know What Your Breasts Did Last Summer 3

Dozens of cute teen actors show in this classic slasher flick. See how easy it is for Hollywood directors to get more viewers by saving money on real actors and getting porn stars instead. If you’re a teenager who wants to see lots of nice looking girls and get your intelligence insulted at the same time with the unbelievable plot, then this is for you.

* Is actually a converted arms storage facility

† May not in fact be celebrities