Hamilton College Obituaries 1998

Death of House Spirit Shocks Grigg!

- Was close friend of School Spirit

House Spirit, after a long and debilitating ailment has finally passed away. House Spirit was 126 years old. "House Spirit seemed to be recovering a bit" recalls Julian Grigg, "but after not winning ‘The Big Four’ it just withered and died. I still can’t believe it’s gone." Laidlaw and Berry will be holding a school service to commemorate the loss.

Kym Paltridge Still Missing!

- Hompas distraught

Kym Paltridge is still missing from Hamilton College after disappearing in Term 3 last year. Police are scaling down their search and suspect foul play. One suspect (whom at this point wishes to be known only as ‘Tuffnell’) denies any involvement in her departure.

James "Jimi" Richards

Fired for gross incompetance.

Philip "Guvner" Humphries

Phillip "Guvner" "Sex God" Humphries served at Hamilton College for only a year - yet left his mark. Known to us all for his incredible vocal abilities during class, Mr. Humphries will be missed by all. It is said that his on a quiet day, his voice can be heard echoing through L2. Michael "Grand Canyon" Allinson Returned to Melbourne. Convicted and fined $300 for driving an unroadworthy vehicle.

Richard "Dipper" Diprose

Quit school to follow his boyhood dream of starting his own cult of Holden and gun worshippers.

Joel "Crap"

Joel "Pantera Scum" "Fat & Crap" graced Hamilton College with his presence for the last time in 1997. His autobiography, ‘Mein Kampf", is currently available at all good bookstores and contains details of his acclaimed rise to power on the GIC from year 9 beginnings to year 11. He will be missed by about three footyheads.

Justin "Pocahompas" Hompas

Justin "Pocahompas" Hompas disappeared at the end of Term 3. Although at this point details are sketchy, Hompas is suspected to be involved in the Paltridge Conspiracy in some way. The search is continuing, and, as always, the Mostly Amphigory will keep you updated.

LAIDLAW DOPE SCANDAL!

- GRIGG CLAIMS VIALS

Shocking new evidence suggests that several members of the Laidlaw swim team may in fact have been using the performance enhancing drug HGH. Amphigory reports.

On Thursday, February 19, several vials containing an as yet unidentified substance were seized from a member of the Laidlaw swim team by Young House officials. The news comes as a climax to the previous year’s drug scandal within Laidlaw where several members of the swim team were positively tested for steroids.

The vials were found in swimmer Ben James’s luggage as he was leaving the Hamilton pool in the wake of Laidlaw’s controversial carnival win. Coach for the team, Julian Grigg, swiftly claimed the substances and insisted that Ben James was carrying the bottles for other, less talented houses.

Although the vials are currently being tested, some people aren’t waiting for results to condemn the Laidlaw team. "They’re definitely doped up on something. One only had to look at Heath McGilvray to see that" said Phil Pike, coach of the Young swim team. If the substance is positively tested, some people are calling for Laidlaw’s immediate expulsion from sporting events. "It’ll be splendid to see Laidlaw fall flat on their face for once’ says school principal John Turnbull. "Actions such as this must be punished quickly. With Laidlaw out of the picture, we may have a chance" one Berry House leader said. Whilst the school awaits the laboratory results, as always, The Mostly Amphigory will keep you posted.

IN OTHER NEWS…

Grigg files harassment lawsuit against the Mostly Amphigory

Sex with comedy newsletter editor named #1 fantasy in latest women’s survey

ODD SPOT

In a shock revelation - one boarder admits to working in Spare periods. Aaron Van Braam admitted to the allegations after being spotted doing work in IT2

Statisticians have calculated that 90% of all Hamilton traffic delays are caused Mr. Lu